I’ve heard the phrases so many times, “You need to love yourself”, or “You need to practice self-love.” I often wondered what exactly that meant and if the person saying it knew any more than I did. I would hear them and think, “Well I don’t hate myself, so I must love myself. I mean, I don’t walk around putting myself down, or thinking I’m a bad person, I’m not shrouded in guilt or self-loathing, so I must love myself.” Honestly, I think this whole catch phrase of “self-love” is over-used and misunderstood. But it did lead me to start exploring what it means self-love means to me, and it may be a little different than what you expect.
Self-love is not about getting a massage or taking some “me time” on a Wednesday afternoon. It’s not about splurging on a new pair of cute shoes or posting an obscure quote on social media. Self-love is about knowing who you are and honoring that person. It’s a journey, it’s not a quick-fix mani-pedi while sipping mimosas. The self-love journey takes many years and many choices, and many behavior modifications.
To begin the Self-love journey, the first step is to ask yourself, “Who am I, and what do I want?” Who am I outside the roles I play with others (mother, daughter, sister, co-worker, spouse, caregiver, volunteer)? Who am I today? How do I identify me? Where do I find pleasure? What do I stand for? What is important to me? What are my personal values? What will I not compromise? As you get clearer on these answers, write down what you discover.
Next, begin to decide what you want. I know that sounds easy, but when is the last time you took a moment and decided what YOU want for YOUR life, without thinking of anyone else? Perhaps you want to get in better shape, or write a book, or learn chess, or express yourself better, or carve out an hour every week to do nothing, or to stop letting people drain you. Think about what your heart desires, and honor it. Take time and write down these things that you want.
So let’s say that you’ve decided you are a smart, independent, talented, artistic person who enjoys being creative, spending time alone, reading, being in nature, and has a talent for storytelling. Then, you decide that what you want is to write a children’s book about nature and self-publish it under a different name.
Now it’s time for the self-love. Self-love is about honoring the importance of who you are and what you want. Using the example above, here’s how to practice self-love:
- Your mother tells you that you can never write a children’s book because you never finish anything. You ignore her and no longer tell her anything about the book you are writing.
- Your spouse tells you it’s a waste of time and you’ll never make any money from it. You ignore him, do it anyway, and not look for his approval.
- Your friend wants to be involved in it and share the work and profits with you. Tell her to write her own book and after she is published, you could collaborate.
- Your child loves the book and wants you to read it to him over and over again. You do it joyfully. You’ve been invited to read your book to your child’s class, you do it joyfully.
- Your sister makes fun of you at the family gathering, saying you think you’re an author. You say nothing, but send her a look of compassion as you know she doesn’t practice self-love.
- The local library wants a copy of your book and wants you to conduct storytime. You do it joyfully.
- You seek out places that may be accepting of your work, you offer it, and you are not attached to the outcome – you know it’s good and a labor of love, and that’s enough for you.
- You begin to write your next book, perhaps it will become a series – you have so many stories inside of you to tell.
When you know who you are and what you want, you practice self-love by honoring this knowledge, and creating boundaries around protecting it from anyone who may want to try to take it away from you. Writing a children’s book is only a simple example of what you could identify with and create for your future – perhaps your self-love journey involves speaking up for yourself, getting the pay you deserve, receiving respect from family members, starting your own company, being healthy, spending more time with friends, or just being quiet. Whatever you decide, be sure that every decision you make in life is in alignment with what is important to you – and that is self-love!
Do the Work:
For this exercise, ask yourself the following questions:
- Have I taken the time to truly know what I want?
- What would need to change for me to get what I want?
- Is it time for me to work on this?
- Can I make these changes a priority?
- Who can support me in these changes?
- What may be some obstacles to succeeding?
- How can I overcome those obstacles?
- Where do I need better boundaries?
- What would it take for me to be true to myself, at all times?
- What do I need to believe about myself to make this shift?
~ Angela Boswell 2022. If you’d like to receive monthly newsletters from Angela, please sign up here: Angela’s Newsletter Signup
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